Nocturnal Poïesis

Pale Horses by thelittleidiot

I feel like I let things seep too deep in to my unconscious most of the times. Everything is magnified when I am the one experiencing it. Everyone else is (seemingly) unperturbed by these things and only I am rendered slightly incapable, slightly speechless.

This, ummm... facility that I have is not without its useful sides. I can easily adapt to situations and modify my habits accordingly. To point where I might start noticing that I am acting like a completely different person. But then again that comes from my attempt to blend in.

After this part comes where I try to negate that flow in my system. I try not to blend in. Because I don't want to. I don't want to be another somebody. But the tallest tree (or the weirdest one) attracts a lot of attention. That is when I want to blend in. Where does this weird to and fro end? Where do I strike a balance.

I have been bullied for the better part of my school life. Now that I am slowly beginning to build my own world around me, I realize that the fear of confrontation has been ingrained deep within me. It does not incapacitate me anymore like it used to but it does invoke the 'fight or flee' syndrome. And not to mention my reactions to people who used to be my senior and even junior at school. I usually only know them by their faces. They know me by name. There is a strange trepidation every time I see these people. I hide quite well and it only comes across as awkwardness at the sudden meeting, IF we talk at all.

Strange how I still react to people who resemble a certain a few characteristics. I just noticed the difference today was I was traveling in a bus. The way my mind and body reacted when someone closer to my age fitting the description sat down next to me and when a middle-aged nondescript man sat down beside me. Logically, my observations tell me that that man who was 'nondescript' to me was more likely to be a source of danger than those boys.

But my irrational fears still remain and they eat away at my self-confidence and self-image. I often think of how powerless I am. I have always avoided going in to physical confrontations. I have always cleverly maneuvered out of things through strategy, friends, etc. I have only reacted physically when I was pushed over the edge or when I felt there was no way I could lose. Funnily enough, sometimes I have even gotten away just by giving the impression that I am not to be messed with.

Interesting how the human mind works. Completely unknown people are scared of me. Completely unknown people hate me. Completely unknown people think they have me figured out. And it is even weirder when I have to confront these people and their familiarity for the first time.

At least I can talk about these things. I need to observe more. It is something I had stopped doing.